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Mchll

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[12 Aug 2011|03:40am]
i don't know. it's 3:17 AM, hello old Livejournal, how have you been keeping?

What have I been doing lately? I've been keeping things light and I've been trying to stay out of my head and it works until I am lying in bed and turning situations over and remembering stupid shit from a million years ago and then I finally fall asleep and dream about boys I don't care about anymore and working a drive-thru from my house and sifting through things in the bedroom I slept in when I was five. I click between bookmarks at top speeds and nothing changes; I look at rage comics on Reddit and laugh to myself and feel that ache that happens when your heart feels a magnetic attraction to another one, because you know that somewhere a few thousand miles away there is someone who thinks like you and will smoke weed with you at four in the morning and won't mind when you don't want to leave your living room for weeks. Looking at apartments in Dresden and thinking about learning another language, dreams that seem unrealistic but are so tangible you can feel the electrons buzzing in them, anxiety that never goes away because I'm worried I'll never amount to much.

Things I have been up to:
  • a million beers at BBJ's on Monday night, buying drinks for my German coworker, listening to conversations about Hitler and stuffing Nike basketball shirts and open tubes of Breton crackers into my purse. Hugging a black man in the middle of the street while he confesses his love for voluptuous women, sending drunk messages to a guy on OkCupid who likes beer and is unintimidating to me in every way
  • complete mediocrity in my summer classes, a total lack of motivation to do anything, last minute assignments and group meetings with a girl with a sunburn and a guy who looks at antarctic adventure vehicles on wikipedia and laughs awkwardly kind of like i do
  • hookah bar with a generous friend and her silent boyfriend, German girls and a girl with neat eyebrows and a colour-changing pipe, tapping our cheeks to form smoke rings and fantasizing about Enrique Iglesias, petting a dog with a back so flat it could be a bench, scenic ocean views and Craigdarroch Castle before a Caribbean feast with my sister's friend and her French mom
  • putting off blood tests and finding out it costs 500 dollars a year to get contacts because I am blind but I am also vain and sick of wearing glasses all the damn time
  • not hanging out with dudes ever because all of them are unreliable or dating high school chicks and being totally insufferable
  • other stupid shit
  • etc
I don't want to write a novel here. I just want to inform you that I'm just as confused as I always was, just as tired and unmotivated, just as completely mystified about "regular adult life" ie. careers and relationships and normal shit people do that I want no part of. I feel like I really couldn't care less if I never kiss another boy in my entire life or if I end up living in a studio apartment somewhere and reading and being a total hermit forever, but I'm not unhappy. I'm just anxious and sleepy and I want to find a way to stop being both of those things.
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[03 Mar 2011|10:52am]
I'm sick and I miss you again and I've hardly attended any class this week, I don't really know what I'm doing, I just want to sleep.
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[03 Jan 2011|11:37pm]
Lately I've been feeling like I am on the verge of something good and I have been waiting to finally get pushed past the threshold. There's this strange calm right now, a pleasant stasis: cats, marijuana, stop-motion animation. It's like floating down a river waiting for the rapids to hit.

The holidays were good and spent with family; I'll miss my mom when she goes back to Alberta but she will be back at the end of February. Christmas really crept up on me this year and I hope that doesn't continue in the future because I miss the excitement. I went through a depressive period a few weeks ago and my doctor bumped up my prescription and so far it's been working.

I spent new year's eve on mushrooms with my sister. My home became a glorious neon cave and we hawaiian hotboxed the bathroom with Brad and I felt like I was in a different world and through the night I consciously had to stop myself from inappropriately invading personal space. Since then I've felt kind of awkward and amorous and I don't know wtf my deal is really. I feel like I don't want to say anything else even though no one reads this shit and who would care anyway?

I went to my boss Stephen's apartment last night for vampire night (basically a shit ton of junk food, Vampire Diaries and True Blood); met Brad at work and thoroughly regretted not wearing socks because it was cold as fuck (and I'm a puss because it was like 0 degrees). I was dreading going to be honest but it turned out to be a really good time and ok I like both of those shows a lot, who would've thought?

I worked the only shift of the week today on ninety minutes of sleep and it was surprisingly great. I got a call while on my break to come in for an interview at a store called Bali Kiss tomorrow afternoon. It's basically like inessense in Moose Jaw (because the only person who reads this will know what that is haaaa) but without the body piercing, and I'm really stoked and I've been feeling really confident about myself lately so I think I'll blow them away :)

School starts back up on Wednesday and it also starts up at Mosaic (the learning center for autistic children that I volunteer at). Janice sent me a message saying she really wants me to continue shadowing and learning how to educate and deal with these kids and I'm really excited; I want to learn as much as I can and eventually get into some type of special education. The kids at Mosaic are so amazing and unique and I'm really glad I get to have this experience. Plus the volunteer experience will probably really help me when it comes time to apply for grad school (which will need to happen at the end of the year, omg). For a long time I thought I'd stop with a bachelor's degree, because I was afraid to write a master's thesis, but a master's degree in psychology will help me so much and it will open up so many opportunities, and I'm really stoked to get started on that.

Anyway, I don't know, this is long as fuck. I guess what I wanted to tell you is that I'm in a good place right now, and I have a feeling it's going to get even better in the coming months.
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[25 Aug 2010|07:10pm]
last night when i was drunk i told you that i missed talking to you, but i know that i will probably never have anything to say to you again. i can't really tell how i feel about that yet.
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[07 Jul 2010|04:40am]
I AM TOO WEAK NOT TO FALL BACK INTO THESE PATTERNS.
I know that you are crazy and you are unbearable and you have no common sense or understanding of the way human beings interact, and god you'd think that I'd be able to learn and to be strong and to say enough is enough forever but it has been four and a half years since I met you and I hate not talking to you for months on end. I wonder if there will ever be a day where I can say I'm over it; I want you to be okay.
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things i think about [01 Jul 2010|12:24pm]
I did not hate work last night. I'm scared to work tonight because it is Canada day and there are only 3 of us. My job has already taken off 90 dollars for taxes and I have only worked there for one month so I am excited for my tax return... next year. I get to register for classes tomorrow at 10:15 AM and that is exciting to me also. I am going out with a girl I met on Craiglist on Monday and I am nervous but god do I ever need a social life. I had a ridiculous drunken crisis the other night and it really was "the straw that broke the camel's back" to be horribly cliche, and after crying to my mom for 2 hours on the phone she made me a doctor's appointment and I am really scared but I need to get some help. I haven't talked to anybody forever, my room is a mess, and I wish I could be going out for drinks and fireworks with my family tonight.
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[25 Jun 2010|05:18am]
It's long deleted but I still have it memorized and everyday I want to punch in the numbers and say "I miss you and I think it is really a shame that we don't stay in touch", but you are somewhere beautiful and it has been over a year since you gave a shit about me.
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remembering [02 Jun 2010|01:40am]
i'm remembering little things like spilled cottage cheese, a dresser drawer full of pogs. fishtailing in a green car, a leather jacket, a hand trailing slowly down my arm, the flip-flops. i'm remembering scratching my calves on the icy crust of knee-deep snow, blindly stumbling through the coulis, your offer to carry my camera so i don't destroy it, arriving half an hour later frizzy-haired and sweaty. i'm remembering an indoor forest, cheap sodas, pouring one out for my homie, chunky gelato in an asian restaurant. a guitar case full of beer, searching for your glasses on my lawn, a little blonde puppy that i never think about anymore. neutral milk hotel in a wood-panelled basement, joy division in a passenger seat, death cab for cutie in a rental car in kissimmee, gordon lightfoot in a business truck with red seats and my balding father, sunny day real estate alone in a blue-walled bedroom - one of two that really felt like my own. there was that room, with christmas lights and a mattress on the floor and drawers in the wall, and there was another one - a sun mural, stained carpet, 13 inch television, always a new person in a pink armchair inherited from a deceased great aunt. breaking a closet door, dyeing a lost friend's hair purple and pink, smoking from an apple in the sun bedroom and on a picnic table outside of dorms. everything always seems to fall into place somehow. there is this lull where no memories are made at all and suddenly it's five years later and suddenly i'm looking at it all through a rosy vintage filter - a pair of blue eyes, a military haircut, a stutter. Everything I own is inside my head. it's strange how these thoughts we value the most are so easily distorted and unconsciously improved, sometimes i wonder if i'm nostalgic for things that really weren't all that good. if you asked me to count for you how many people i miss, maybe i'd say i miss every person i ever met, even the ones i still know. i miss who people were then, and in the future i will miss who they are now. everything i write ends up sounding much more morose than i want it to. i need to find something about right now that makes me stop taking right now for granted.
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I dreamt [01 Jun 2010|04:32am]
I dreamt it was night and I was wrapped around your leg. You let me hold on to your wrists and I rested against your knee and wanted nothing more than to keep myself in that moment. I heard my own voice saying "this is only a dream, what are you really holding on to?" and I forced myself awake to find myself holding an old stuffed bear, and I can't say for sure that I hadn't just woken up into another dream but my heart has never felt so small.
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consciousness [01 Jun 2010|02:30am]
how sad, that we are raised in a society that makes us feel obligated to apologize for the people we choose to become. such perfect little constructs - stone walls of norms and standards and god, so much insecurity, always so much. i want to take all of you by the shoulders and say "it is okay! live and live well and don't think twice, there is happiness outside of all of this" but it would be in poor taste because though i think i might believe it, i have yet to do it. another line to add to the hypocrisy tally, chalk and chipped fingernails counting lies on cell walls. i want to be so full of honesty it drips through my fingertips; i want to look into somebody's eyes for so long that i become enveloped by their spirit. i never persist long enough to find out what comes after the butterflies, nausea, anxiety of a deep and honest conversation, eye contact, soul contact, but i imagine it is beautiful and i think it could transform me if i were to try it. i was about to say i am taking baby steps toward a better view of the world and myself but i'm not sure i would be telling the truth if i told you that. all i know is i have a lot of beautiful ideas about how i want things to end up and lord i hope i find the courage to make them happen someday, because isn't that what we all deserve?
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[31 May 2010|03:00am]
I'm remembering when you said to me, "Part of me really wants to go home, but another part of me wants to keep going". That was before we stopped talking and I guess sometimes I feel like the part of you I loved never did come home. It was lost in bars and merch booths and hipster girls with messy hair and secondhand shoes. I wasn't going to start this with you but that's where I find my thoughts falling. I'm not sure what it was about you. Maybe there is no longer any room for me in your life but I hope so much that you are happy.

I've gone through so many changes since I last came here that there's no point in recounting it all. I've done so elsewhere, places less secure. Now I live in a 100 year old house with a fashion-conscious younger sister and 3 adopted degus; I'm still not used to this bed and the quiet and having nobody to talk to at four in the morning. I have been trying so hard to stay positive but I feel like I am always being judged. I can't express myself and I end up getting treated like a child. People question my mental stability and I do it too. If I lived for a thousand years I think I'd still be passive and I'd still be lonely and ultimately I'd still be dissatisfied with the state of things. I've legitimately been worrying lately that no one will ever fall in love with me. I know this is ridiculous, but I feel like I wasn't even built for that to be a possibility. I'm so uncomfortable and awkward and I don't know how to learn how to present myself. Lately I've just been missing people. Nobody talks to me anymore and I feel like I don't know what's going on in anybody's life and I hate that feeling: that feeling of being replaceable - I want to leave indelible marks in hearts and I want people to feel the fingers of their memories with me more often than they do.

But I don't want to be this person that moans about everything because I hate those people. I'm employed now and I'm going home for a week at the end of July and with any luck I'll find someone or something to fill some of this emptiness inside of me some time in the near future. I'm tired of being a shell, you know?
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Writer's Block: Book review [18 Nov 2009|07:52am]
What (if any) books would you ban from a high school library? Are there certain subjects that you feel are inappropriate for teenagers regardless of literary merit?

By all means, ban whatever book you want. It will result in at least double the amount of people reading it. I find it saddening so many people thought "Twilight" was a witty answer to this.
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[23 Sep 2009|02:37pm]
long time no LJ. cannot possibly begin to summarize all that has happened (can, actually.. should not). End of summer was fairly awesome. Camping in Medicine Hat which of course got me deeper into this pool of ridiculousness out of which I have yet to climb, my heart is a fucking venus flytrap. I did not expect to miss Dexter as much as I do. I'm not even going to be vague about that right now. Anyway... excellent time, speaking in questions and sticking googly eyes on everything with Savannah, one second Chris, uneaten cans of alphagetti, glowsticks, heartswells, surprising conversations inside of 2 person tents.

Somewhere in there was a trip or two to Saskatoon, my brother came to Moose Jaw. Summerfest was on August 28th and was an amazing success. Who knew I could go from being painfully shy to coating faces in paint? Movin' on up in the world. Savannah and Kyle came down right before I moved, so it was bar time, McDonald's fries on the kitchen floor. Spent my last night in Moose Jaw with Skyler, Darryl and Rae, caesars on special and too much weed.

Two day trip to the Island, stopover in Nelson, BC. Drugged out on travel sickness meds, mountains, lakes and rivers making steady appearances between bouts of unconsciousness. A late-night ferry over the lake, moon on the water, couldn't ask for anything more beautiful. Moved into my dorm on September 4. I have three roommates: Carlin, Elora and Trevor. I have listed their names in order from favourite to least favourite but I still feel awkward around all of them. And actually that's not fair, Trevor seems like a great guy but we have not had a conversation that has lasted more than 4 minutes or so. Went to Vancouver a few weekends ago to hang out with Rachel, drank a bit of wine and went out for sushi with Victor the next day. I came to the conclusion I don't really like Vancouver because it is much too big and inconvenient for me, but it has its merits. I mean, i like buses, but not full ones. You know how it is. Found out Dan from high school moved out here too so I have been seeing a bit of him but not too much. Our last encounter was excessively awkward so i don't know what will happen with that, but he is a good person and I enjoy his company. Rachel came out here last weekend. Drank too much and passed out on my floor? Good ol' Rachel. Good times with my siblings, as well.

I am still getting used to being in a science program.. honestly I am too used to slacking in classes and it is really detrimental to my success. I failed a calculus quiz on Monday, botched a Chem lab and didn't do so hot on a Chemistry quiz yesterday, but I am determined to get my shit together.
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vague recollection of past and current events [19 Jul 2009|04:03am]
Lookin' up. Saskatoon last Friday. Backyard beer, fire, great people, old cartoons and a snoring angel. Napped on the way back, made Kevin buy something to improve his breath. Impromptu trip to Medicine Hat on Sunday, video games with Dexter and Justin, 11 adorable kittens. Real great jamming in a cramped garage, limited seating, "Hey, these guys have just been smoking DOPE!", beer gut in shorts, handsome boy with the lowest IQ I have ever come across "Wait, a potato had eyes?! Are you serious!" "What the fuck is a human egg, man?". Ridiculously drawn out McDonald's drive thru experience. Ham and swiss, the return of the most beautiful person I know, pipes with unknown origins and conversations about the bottom of the sea and about outer space, keeping intense eye contact while wishing to make more contact. Good times with my sister, great hugs, nuzzling, tuggin' at my heartstrings wanting to stay forever. Back to Moose Jaw on Tuesday, feelin' real depressed about it.

Good dinner date with Megan on Thursday, knife theft, the best burger I have ever eaten, Mapquest being a filthy liar in regards to the whereabouts of Chili's, long drive all the way down Vic. Shitty tacky Old Navy, cutest boston terriers at Petland, pitstop at the mall, giant tiger and the LB.

Friday: curdled Baja Rosa jello shooters, beer on the deck. Mike n Ikes squished between the wood. Arrival of Savannah, Kyle and Kayla. Drew, for the first time in a year, real bad hair, overall unappealing? Half-drunk, going to find Savannah lying in the street a block away. My neighbour puked all over my couch and floor. Gaggin' real hard while cleaning that shit up. Inopportune time to have eaten a junior chicken. Kevin Taylor real drunk and mad. Party ended too early. Hangin' with Paris on the couch, obtaining 10 dollars for my booze fund.

Today: John Dale's surprise arrival. Grumpy trip to Smitty's for bacon and eggs. Cleaning my house. Somehow the carpet is still covered in Spitz. Slurpees, unsuccessful attempt to return Drew's sunglasses because I don't remember what his house looks like. Random trip to Buffalo Pound. Real huge disgusting fish floating in the lake. Rolled up jeans. Said I was going to pick the fish up but it was rotting and smelled terrible. Sat under a big tree, making myself a hair beard, twig up the nose, being all-around retarded, well-documented. Swingset, the yellow bird that I've been waiting for, lost hair ties, dying of heat exhaustion on the ride home.

Unsatisfying nap, delicious Burger Cabin c/o Savannah-Mae (I am good at living while unemployed apparently), a shiny blue Vex. Dressing Kevin up as a hipster. Drinking in the back of Kevin's truck in front of my house for over five hours, singing at the top of my lungs (playlist: Christmas carols, Paparazzi - Lady Gaga, Day n Nite - Kid CuDi, Sesame Street theme song), spilled drinks, spitz shells all over the truck and sidewalk, a million and one pictures. Danny sat on broken glass. Mad sister, cold cheeks, coolers, too much noise. Moved it indoors, snoring angel v 2.0, making him hold a hot dog, more pictures. Real loud noises, angry text, an excessive number of Tweets, hot dog drink, laughing until I could not breathe at all.

Good times. 2 weeks until Savannah pops her AB cherry and I get to be a real tourist in Medicine Hat. I can't wait to see everybody again.
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[23 Jun 2009|04:56pm]
So.. what has been going on lately? For the most part my life has been pretty uneventful. I interviewed for jobs at the WDM and the Art Gallery and got rejected so that was really great for my self esteem, the art gallery lady said she was "very impressed" with me but they hired some jerk that volunteers there, go figure. Jordan's birthday weekend we all went to Medicine Hat, reunited with Chris, hung out at some bars. Justin had a fire at his ranch and actually hung out which was great, everyone from MJ ended up going to the bar and I stayed and hung out, had some convos, felt pretty happy, I really love those people. Spent the following week wallowing in my own self-pity and hanging out alone in my bedroom, even moreso after I got rejected from that job on the Wednesday, so that week.. which I guess was last week, was pretty much just a writeoff. Hung out with Megan one night for BPs and late night drives to the Base, spilling pen ink everywhere in her mom's car.

Savannah et al. came on Saturday which was super awesome, Burger Cabin, backyard fire, thunderstorms, what a great mix. I got high and didn't much feel like socializing so I just hung around on the couch until finally going to bed at like 4 in the morning, I don't really even like smoking pot all that much I'm not sure why I decided to do it that day? All in all it was an okay time, how could it not be with the SMP? had some great pizza. Spent some time dwelling on a stupid new(ish) crush. I wonder if there will ever be a moment where I am not pining after some random guy? pathetic.

Haven't done much this week. Applied for a filing job in a medical clinic today, hope to hear back. Recycled some bottles, 45 bucks in my pocket. I don't have any plans for the rest of the week. I cancelled my tattoo appointment. Applied for student loans yesterday and they said I can get up to like 9500 which is super great. I think my sister's grad banquet is probably this week. Guess I'm going to that.

That is all?
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[05 Jun 2009|06:53pm]
So I was napping and having this great dream where I was just sittin' on a couch hanging out with Hugh Laurie (aka the best dream ever, because who wouldn't want to sit next to Dr. House on a couch?) and all of a sudden I felt someone rubbing my arm so I was like, oh my god, you know, Hugh Laurie is making physical contact with my shoulder and then someone asked if I was okay, and the arm rubbing continued, so I slowly came out of dream world and was like ahh, fuck, see ya later Hugh Laurie. So I was awake, and gone from my great peaceful dream, and my mom was rubbing my shoulder? And for some reason it was really hard for me to just say, "what are you doing in here?" and she was like, "dinner will be a little later" so like.. great, you know, I was napping, hanging out with Dr. House, thanks for the update. Then she asked where I got a bunch of random shit in my room? And I went back to sleep, hoping to return to my cozy couch. Alas, it was not to be. But the most irritating part of this dream is that none of it even happened, my mom waking me up was just a dream waking me up from another dream. THE ARM RUBBING FELT SO REAL? Weirdest, most annoying dream ever.
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[28 May 2009|02:11pm]
Day 18 of being unemployed. It boggles my mind that I can be completely qualified for a job and never even get an interview. I was feeling optimistic about this second position at WDM and was in contact with the lady in charge, then she called my house and I missed it (of course nobody ever calls my cell phone), I called back and left a message and it's been two days since I've heard anything. God, I have 2 years of university under my belt and museum experience and I don't even get an interview? I have been applying for summer student jobs and have not heard anything. I don't want a fucking part time job that pays 9 25 an hour, seriously. I need to save up for school. I wish I could just skip this summer and go back to BC.
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[13 May 2009|12:03pm]
I can't get this shitty unsatisfied feeling out of my bones. It is retarded to feel sad when nothing in my life is even going wrong? I am done school tomorrow, I applied for my dreeeam summer job on Sunday night, and Megan and I are goin' to Saskatoon soon! What else do I even want? I am such an iiidiot
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Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. [06 May 2009|09:59am]
So right now I am listening to 3oh3! on my own volition for the first time, and needless to say I feel like a huge loser. I feel like I am 14 or something. I should go backcomb my hair and get some hair bows or some shit. I have a really lame cough today, my throat is so itchy and I cough and then if I breathe in too deep it hurts... I'm going to die of swine flu y/y?

Yesterday I wrote my physics final and holy shit was it terrible. I am not feeling at all confident that I even passed it, to be honest. If I failed it, I fail the entire class, so pretty much I am just stressin' out about it but I'm lurking the netz in an effort to get my mind off it, I guess. I really hope I don't fail physics oh god. My mom would kill me?!

Tonight is Rah Rah/Mt Royal in Regina! I am super stoked. It will be nice to see those Medicine Hat boys. It will also be nice to have sweet quality bff time with Megan! Tomorrow I am planning on bustin' my ass reading up on Electrochemistry and then signing up for the test aaand my chem final. That is all I have left to do! Unless of course I failed that physics final in which case I'm sure I will have to challenge it in the summer, kms.

Someone is actually looking at my house today, thank god. Just fuckin' buy it, already.
I want to go to Saskatoon.
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i told you to be balanced, but i told you to be kind [30 Apr 2009|10:40am]
finished c30. i hope i did well on the final, i need at least a 70 on that exam to make a 75 average for uni courses! here's to hopin'. leavin' out all capitals. this afternoon is dedicated to physics and chem labs. two weeks after this week to finish a chem test and the final and my physics final. doable? yes. will i do well? maybe. maybe not on electrochem, since i haven't started it yet. oh well. everything is done so soon! not too sure what i am going to do with all that free time. hopefully i find a sweet job. wish it was may 6.
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